Ramblings from a Mumbler

I know a few things.

It's Monday and I'm not doing a Monday Mumbles.
I haven't blogged in....a very long time.
No one will read this and I'm okay with that fact. I've been missing in action.

Hello. Long time no chat. I'm typing from my new toy. I won't even play with you and ask YOU to ask ME if I'm excited. Hell yes I'm excited. I last bought a new computer in 2007. I last bought a new phone in 2011. I tend to get anxiety around big purchases and while these seem like small additions to folks these days, I consider anything over a hundred or couple hundred bucks a big deal.

Call me cheap.

I am. Usually. But as I told my husband, who recently rejoined the work force and made our income feel oh-so-much-better, I'm taking advantage. I'm splurging. I'll stop soon but I had to get it out. I had to splurge. What if we can't do it again for a long time?

Life?

Oh, yes, life. It's happening. Work is still interesting and consistently busy. It still has its ups and downs, I still struggle with insecurities that could have been avoided, mostly around my ability to contribute in ways I feel are important versus ways I *believe* management finds important. It's all convoluted, possibly in my mind, but I've successfully convinced myself it's not and I am right.

Typical.

Home? Kids are good. Turner is slowly learning that not all learning will come easily. I knew it would happen but I'm trying to ease that burdening lesson case by case. Owen has started this year better than last, but he still struggles with "why" he has to go through some of the more mundane motions set forth in regular education. I find it gives me many instances for my most clever explanations. Evelyn is absolutely thriving in her pre-school. I'm excited for HER.

I'm trying very hard to find peace on a day to day basis. It can be nutty with the kids, admittedly. Husband and I struggle, like any married folk, but we created obstacles for ourselves that I sometimes wonder if we can overcome. I know feelings can shift this way or that, ebb and flow if you will. I'm waiting to see if my ebb will flow again. In the meantime, I fret and worry about what to do and if I'm being selfish and if I'll ruin the children with one choice or another and and and....



It is probably a combination of a lot of things but mostly my personality lends to feeling constantly imperfect and striving to hide that fact until I attain it. Which will never happen. So I'm in a lose-lose with my own self. Excellent. I know this.

This is mostly a blast of short snippets of my mind. They matter but they don't. What I've found lately is that I dwell too much on things and that habit is making me insane. I've just kind of had it.I'll either lose my mind or find myself laughing until I cry and letting all the resentment and worry go. It's so much easier to say than do. Just let it go.