January's Post (will it stand alone?)

It's a day of the week I can't exactly recall without effort. I'm fairly certain it's been THE longest January 1st I've had in a very long time. I'm happy to put 2014 behind me, but I also wish I could say I'm really looking forward to what 2015 will bring. I'm not necessarily all that excited.

I'm uncertain what it will bring and most of that unknown lies within me. I have choices. We all have choices. That was a silly statement. Every day, we encounter choices and decisions that create our future moments and days and years. What I mean to say is that some choices I have directly in front of me feel more looming and larger than those in my past, or recent past. Home and work related, all seeking some internal insight that I just don't feel I have at the current time. Or maybe I just don't have the strength to state my decisions out loud.

2014 took my Granny. It also took my Grandfather. In both instances I feel I didn't do all that I could to enjoy them while they were in my life. Is death always like that? No matter how much you love them or how much time you spend with them, does it ever feel like enough? I tell myself I should have dropped in and brought my Granny miscellaneous treats from time to time, or sat and actually asked my Grandpa to tell me a story instead of finding myself listening to one he started on his own. My promise is to try and help my kids live more in the moment than what I've found myself doing in my lifetime.

Cleaning. I ended 2014 with a LOT of cleaning, purging, and rearranging. We cleansed the kids' rooms of unnecessary small toys that really found no love. I consolidated and trashed things, and made room for new fun 'toys' like floor chairs and bean bags and lamps. The tree came down on the 26th, we rearranged the living room furniture on the 31st. I find that a new set-up can help the feel of a room. The other arrangement was around for far too long.

I'm not much for making resolutions but I've added one to my planner. On the first of every month, I've noted to send greeting cards. I like to do that anyway, but I sit on them for too long and sometimes fail to send them as timely as I could. Hopefully this will help me. And maybe it'll prompt me to add another resolution to my to-do. Maybe just one resolution per month? Maybe just one big decision per month?

The kids were spoiled this holiday season. I hope they know it. I hope they enjoy it. I hope it continues for their entire lives. Be good people, receive good love. Simple as that.

Ramblings from a Mumbler

I know a few things.

It's Monday and I'm not doing a Monday Mumbles.
I haven't blogged in....a very long time.
No one will read this and I'm okay with that fact. I've been missing in action.

Hello. Long time no chat. I'm typing from my new toy. I won't even play with you and ask YOU to ask ME if I'm excited. Hell yes I'm excited. I last bought a new computer in 2007. I last bought a new phone in 2011. I tend to get anxiety around big purchases and while these seem like small additions to folks these days, I consider anything over a hundred or couple hundred bucks a big deal.

Call me cheap.

I am. Usually. But as I told my husband, who recently rejoined the work force and made our income feel oh-so-much-better, I'm taking advantage. I'm splurging. I'll stop soon but I had to get it out. I had to splurge. What if we can't do it again for a long time?

Life?

Oh, yes, life. It's happening. Work is still interesting and consistently busy. It still has its ups and downs, I still struggle with insecurities that could have been avoided, mostly around my ability to contribute in ways I feel are important versus ways I *believe* management finds important. It's all convoluted, possibly in my mind, but I've successfully convinced myself it's not and I am right.

Typical.

Home? Kids are good. Turner is slowly learning that not all learning will come easily. I knew it would happen but I'm trying to ease that burdening lesson case by case. Owen has started this year better than last, but he still struggles with "why" he has to go through some of the more mundane motions set forth in regular education. I find it gives me many instances for my most clever explanations. Evelyn is absolutely thriving in her pre-school. I'm excited for HER.

I'm trying very hard to find peace on a day to day basis. It can be nutty with the kids, admittedly. Husband and I struggle, like any married folk, but we created obstacles for ourselves that I sometimes wonder if we can overcome. I know feelings can shift this way or that, ebb and flow if you will. I'm waiting to see if my ebb will flow again. In the meantime, I fret and worry about what to do and if I'm being selfish and if I'll ruin the children with one choice or another and and and....



It is probably a combination of a lot of things but mostly my personality lends to feeling constantly imperfect and striving to hide that fact until I attain it. Which will never happen. So I'm in a lose-lose with my own self. Excellent. I know this.

This is mostly a blast of short snippets of my mind. They matter but they don't. What I've found lately is that I dwell too much on things and that habit is making me insane. I've just kind of had it.I'll either lose my mind or find myself laughing until I cry and letting all the resentment and worry go. It's so much easier to say than do. Just let it go.

Monday Mumbles 39

1. My Granny (Dad's mother) passed away Thursday, April 10th. As she is in the photo below (circa March 2011, her 90th birthday dinner), she was the centerpiece of our family gatherings, the hub to our spokes. All nine of her children are here with her, my father on the far left in green. You can read about her here.

2. For a closer photo of her, here she is in 2010 with Evelyn. Handing the new babies over to Granny always felt like a rite of passage to me, for some reason.

3. Long overdue, we bought Hubs a new suit for the mass and funeral. I'll admit he looked alright in it. 

4. The kids were very good throughout the very long days that existed between hearing the news and the funeral. They were in the car a LOT, and aside from getting restless at the visitation (who wouldn't, watching a bunch of 'old' folks coming in and out, chatting about nothing in particular?), they were fantastic. 

5. My two brothers flew in from respective states (Florida and Indiana), so there was an upside getting to see them, along with one sister-in-law. My mother was also very helpful throughout, watching the kiddos and giving them a reprieve from the torturous talking.

6. Aside from work and Granny, life is fairly steady. Evelyn still has attitude and a LOT of hair. Owen occasionally gets safe seats at school but is learning how to be a better helper and leader. Turner continues to skate through with his usual ease, playing basketball and taking piano lessons. 

7. I've been doing the #100happydays challenge, with some nudging from my brother. I like getting to watch my day and find something that makes me happy. If we don't take time to focus on something that makes us happy, some days will pass us by feeling completely void of joy. 

8. Hubs had me watch a comedian Saturday night, a South African named Trevor Noah. Pretty funny kid, and cute to boot. If you're into stand-up, try finding a few clips on-line.

9. My hair is unreasonably long. I've been very lazy and it's now a decent pony-tail length and touching my shoulders. 

10. I need not go shopping. I find myself having a hard time saying no, sometimes. Meaning, I have three new dresses in my closet and probably shouldn't.

Monday Mumbles 38

1. I'm not sharing the new car very well.

2. I did let him have it on Saturday, as I said I would, but it hurt. I had to force myself into my Pilot and I had to force myself to stop thinking about how poorly he might be driving it, or how loudly he might have turned up the radio. Oh it hurt.

3. I went into the office for a few hours Sunday morning and I took Evelyn with me. That girl has attitude and I refuse to take all the blame. I refuse. She spends way too much time with her dad for this to be all my fault.

4. The one thing I need to remember about her is that if I give her tasks or hobbies that are similar to things that I do, she'll most likely be content. She was getting extremely restless in the office and I finally moved her chair up to my desk like me, gave her a folder that had a notepad in it, and allowed her to "take notes" like the ones I had in front of me. Saved my efficiency.

5. I cannot believe that Owen turns six on Friday. I just pulled out a few photos for him to share at school this week and had a 'moment'. I sent in some one year old pics and it made me want to kiss his little one year old face.

6. Does anyone else have a problem sharing their food or drink? I specifically asked Hubs yesterday if he wanted something to drink when I was picking up my soda. He said no. And then he proceeded to pour half of my soda out of my cup and into his own at the house. P.I.S.S.E.D.

7. And no, I won't 'just get used to it' because we've been together so long. It's annoying as hell.

8. My brother convinced me to do the #100HappyDays - post a photo a day of something that makes you happy - challenge. Today is Day 5. I'm posting it on both Instagram and Twitter and I have fun each day thinking in the moment, and realizing that most moments provide me something to capture.

9. I can probably guarantee that one photo will be Evelyn's hair.

10. And if I can figure out how to capture her attitude, I'll post that too. Because it rocks.

Monday Mumbles 37

1. Spring is really taking its sweet time showing up.

2. I've all but given up on figuring out what to feed my children. I'm ready to move to bread and water.

3. This past weekend has been full of spankings. I feel like I thought they were so bad so often, maybe it's me who needs to spanking for thinking negatively.

4. And no, that's NOT an invitation, Hubs.

5. I've tried hard not to be a sore loser and continue to watch college basketball to see the tournament through. The problem, however, is that I never really got into the regular season to begin with so I don't have a lot of interest or knowledge in teams still playing. As Keith Urban said, I'm Movin' On.

6. To the Royals, hopefully. Baseball season should be off and running this week.

7. Oh, today is our anniversary. Seven years married, a dozen putting one another through the wringer. The marriage number is really just a side note to the actual years together, given our start.

8. Evelyn was scolded by me yesterday afternoon in the car. When she continued to scowl from the back seat, Hubs tried to intervene and/or discipline. Her response was, "Dad, you're not Mom!" which we subtitle "she's the one pissing me off and right now I can only take one of you."

9. She also asked to watch "Meno Finding" when we got home which melted any and all frustration I might have built up. I mean, seriously. Meno? Meno Finding?

10. We bought ourselves another Honda. Yup. Just can't resist 'em.

Monday Mumbles 36

1. Evelyn likes to comb my hair and it's like Heaven. Truly. I have always loved to have my hair brushed and now I have a built-in stylist.

2. In fact, just last night I negotiated an extra two minutes of combing, and she countered with, "How about four?" DEAL.

3. Basketball was fun all weekend. Up until it wasn't, on Sunday afternoon. Ah well. Bring on the Royals.

4. Have I mentioned that, aside from photos of my friends' kids, I don't miss Facebook at all? I don't miss having mixed feelings about who stays in my news feed and who doesn't, feeling obligated to be interested in long lost folks or those barely known, or feeling like a constant gate keeper of memories and time management.

5. Work continues to go well and I still find myself marveling that I like it. It has struggles, like all do, and challenges me but I suppose that's what I want. Right? I need to be pushed and forced to explore outside my comfort zone. To a point. But if my comfort zone provides productivity and results, I sometimes question the need to be forced outside of it. If comfort zones produce stagnant choices and lackluster performers, then there is a need to push outside of it. I get that. But I struggle with the question....should everyone be forced outside of their zone just to fit a mold, or should the mold be pliable to fit around those who produce best in their zone?

6. And the trickier question is-is everyone focused on what the BEST results and productivity ARE? Is everyone aware that a team can and NEEDS to have different production cycles and different results for different stages of a process?

7. On another note, we experienced good 60 and even 70 degree days around here only to wake up to snow Sunday morning. WTH? Get over already, Winter.

8. Owen, not without his struggles that have been well documented, is without a doubt my sweetheart protector. He's like my bodyguard sometimes, when he thinks I need one. I love it. He's going to be GREAT for Sissy when they're in school together.

9. And Turner will remain the constant instructor. He can't help himself. He's like me and always teaching and preaching. I promise, folks, I'm trying to beat this out of him. As softly as possible.

10. There is a new TV series on NBC. At least I think it's NBC. Resurrection. Omar Epps. I saw the previews and decided to DVR the first episode to see if it was worth it. Liking it a lot so far, actually. Might be a keeper on the Sunday night rotation of nothingness. Well, nothing until football starts. Did I mention Go Royals?

Funny Face Friday 11

Turner wanted us to know that the angle at which he could visit the horses was...yes...stinky.

This one. You never know what you're going to get.

One won't show their teeth, the other can't help but pose. 

The Science Museum was full of hands-on learning.

What you can't see by Owen's joyful expression is that his sister was clinging to me like a wounded animal, head and eyes buried into my neck. She did NOT enjoy the mechanical dinosaur corner. At. All.

She did, however, enjoy the ride to Oklahoma City. Dora backpack provided plenty of entertainment inside.